We got issues
by Darth Phex
Summary: The KOTOR characters go to a therapy clinic to sort out their problems...or make them worse. Chapter 2 is up! Read, Review, and enjoy.
1. Revan’s crew

Disclamer: You know the drill...

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We open up at a therapy clinic. A sign on the door reads "Closed today for private group session." Inside we see the "Old Republic" characters seated in a large circle. The therapist sat in the circle between Mission and Bastila. 

Therapist: Thank you all for coming here today - hopefully we will be able to discuss any issues you may have with one another.

The Therapist looks around the circle to see Jani (Revan) and Malak glaring at each other at opposite ends of the circle; Carth is nervously stealing glances at his son Dustil; Mission with arms folded looks disapprovingly at Zalbar as he noisily eats a sandwich; and Canderous with a Heavy Repeater on his lap ready for a moments notice. Also seated are Juhani, Jolee, Bastila, and the two droids.

Therapist: So, would anyone like to go first? Bastila? (The Therapist looks over to Bastila who politely declines.) Ok then, how about HK?

HK-47: Excited Statement: I would love to partake in your meatbag ritual. However I must decline for I do not feel it is my place to be first. Perhaps master would like to go first instead?

Everyone's head terns to face Jani.

Therapist: Ok. Jani would you like to start use out?

Jani: Whatever. (Sighs and looks up at the ceiling as if recalling something.) Well…it all started when he tried to kill me.

Jani points across the circle at Malak.

Malak: What! You can't blame this all on me. You were the one that had to be Miss High and Mighty Sith Lord.

Jani: Yeah? Well you better get used to that because I'm going to become Sith Lord again once you're out of the way.

Carth: No Jani! Don't fall to the dark side!

Dustil: I knew it! You do care more about that woman than your own son! I should have stayed with the sith!

Therapist: Now calm down everyone. Calm down. I'm sensing some anger issues that we need to address. Now Jani why do you feel you need to turn back to the dark side?

Jani: Because who else is going to lead the sith army into the Jedi Civil War that will cause death and destruction though out the entire universe and will eventually lead to the sequel of this game? Shirley not Malak!

Malak: How do you even know there's going to be a sequel to this game!

Jani: Because the author of this story told me that there would be.

Everyone looks questioningly at Jani.

Jani: You Know, DARTH PHEX.

Everyone: Oooooh!

Therapist: Now I did see some anger from Carth and his son. Would you two like to go next?

Dustil: I have a name you know! I don't want to be known as the son of that man after he deserted mom and me on Telos!

Carth: Dustil I looked everywhere for you and your mother, don't say things like that! I was also busy with the republic fighting the sith trying to prevent them from destroying another planet!

Dustil: I hate you! (Dustil runs crying out of the room.)

Carth: Dustil wait! (Carth runs though the doors after him.)

Everyone in the room stares at the door as it slams shut. Several minutes pass in silence.

Therapist: Ok…anyone else?

Mission: I have a problem with HK's obsession with killing things. I went to talk to Jani the other day and he chases me away with a gun shouting something about " terminating meatbag threat to master."

HK-47: Protective statement: The meatbag Mission violated safety precautions with in proximity of master.

Mission: I always carry a blaster in my belt! It was for my own safety, I wasn't going to kill Jani!

HK-47: That is to be determined. Now stop your meatbag wining.

Therapist: How do you feel about this incident Jani?

Jani: Well…like most things Mission talks about, I'm pretty sure it would have been annoying, so good work HK!

HK-47: Proud exclamation: Thank you master. Your approval of my precautions delights me.

Juhani: Hey that's not fair. You can't talk to Mission like that!

Canderous: Oh shut up Carthar, nobody asked you anyway.

Juhani: Why don't you stay out of this Mandalorian filth.

Jolee: Settle down you two, were here to solve our problems, not kill each other. Why back in my day…

Mission: Nobody cares about back in your day you old fossil!

Jolee: Oh so you want to fight now too, missy?

Bastila: Stop it you guys, this is getting ridiculous!

Jani: Now now Bastila let them fight. It could get interesting.

Mission: Bring it on old man! I may lack experience but I'm younger and quicker.

Jolee: That's it you're going down!

Malak: I have my money on Mission!

Bastila: Shut up, you're not helping!

Jolee pulls out his light saber and activates it. Mission pulls out a vibro blade and charges. Before the blades could hit Zalbar roars and picks up Jolee. He then sends him flying halfway across the room. (A/N just in case you were wondering he finished his sandwich).

Mission: That's it were out of here. We'll meet you guys later at the _Hawk_.

Everyone stares at the door as it shuts then turn to stare at Jolee's unconscious body.

Bastila: He'll be ok right?

Jani: Yeah, don't worry about him. Hay T3, could you take Jolee back to the ship?

T3-M4: Beeblopziplipdopbeep!

Jani: Thanks.

Therapist: Well we've got a few minutes left. Enough time for maybe one more.

Bastila: Yeah, um Jani could you not use up all the hot water when you take a shower?

Jani: Will do.

Therapist: All right that's all the time we have today. I think we made progress, so same time next week.

Jani: All right. Say Malak did you need a ride home or are you covered?

Malak: Don't worry about me, I got a ride coming to pick me up.

Jani: All right team, next stop Mannon!

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I didn't really know were I was going with this story but I like it anyway and I hope you did to. I might add more to this depending on how many reviews I get so R&R people! 


	2. Five years later

A/N: I would like to thank G4 Fan Man for the idea for this chapter. I hope you enjoy this story. Reviews are much appreciated.

Disclaimer: Same as before.

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Five Years Later…

Narrator: She was a kind, caring, overly optimistic person. Heck that was her job and anyone who's worked with her can say she was a natural at it. She loved to help people any way she could. She has a name but for our purposes we will call her the THERAPIST.

_March 20, 2006-five years after the Jedi Civil War…_

Therapist: all right settle down everyone.

Narrator: It had been a long time since she had held a private session like this and she hoped this one would turn out to be nothing like the one before it. However her hopes were in vain…muahahaha!

Therapist: Can I have everyone seat himself or herself in a circle on the floor?

They all sat down.

Therapist: All right, we're going to start out with a little exercise I call "about me". We're going to go around the circle, say our names and a little something about ourselves. Here, I'll go first, my name is (this information is classified and can not be released to the general public.), and it's my goal to help sort out any issues you may have with one another. Now it's your turn.

She motions to the person sitting to her left.

Bao Dur: Hello everyone my name is Bao Dur. A little something about my self would be that I can make practically anything out of every day house hold junk…kind'a like MacGyver.

GO-TO: Greetings my identification is GO-TO. I think I am better than all of you so if you do not have anything to give me space off!

Mandalore: Hey everyone I'm Mandalore and my hope is that one day I can lead the remaining Mandalorian troops in our second desperate attempt at destroying the Republic.

Visas: Hello everyone my name is Visas Marr and I enjoy Mongolian BBQ.

Lena (Exile): Hi everyone my name is Lena Smith (in on way related to Mr. and Mrs. Smith). I love playing Pazaak and chatting with random people on the Halo net.

Mical: Hello everybody my name is Mical. My hobbies are stalking Lena around the ship because I love her but I'm too much of a pansy to admit it…oops!

Atton: What's up everyone my name is Atton Rand and I have two things Mical doesn't. A last name and a better chance of Lena going out with me because I admit that I like her! (Turns and winks to Lena)

Mical and Atton then glare at each other with equal hatred.

Atris: Hello my name is Artis and I hate Lena because she's younger, prettier, and more popular than I am.

Sion: Good evening everyone my name is Sion. My only hope is that by killing the Exile master Kreia will reaccept me as her apprentice.

Kreia: Hello everyone my name is Kreia and there is absolutely no way I will reaccept Sion as my apprentice. My goal is to use the Exile to destroy the force completely while making everyone else's lives miserable in the process! Muahahaha! Cough Yeah…is it suspicious that I brought that up unprovoked?

Everyone stares at Kreia for a few moments.

Hk-47: Greeting: Hello meatbags I am unite HK-47, I love two things: master and killing meatbags such as yourselves.

Mira: Hey everybody I'm Mira and I like the color green.

Therapist: Well, now that we all know a little more about each other we can start discussing our problems.

Narrator: Though she remained optimistic Therapist knew that this group of unfortunate souls would be her greatest challenge yet.

Therapist: From what I understand from our first exercise, many of you seem to have developed problems that revolve around Lena.

Lena: Yeah they do! They should rename this story "We got issues with exile"!

Mical: I don't have a problem with you.

Atton: Shut up pretty boy!

Atris: Well maybe if you weren't so much better than me I wouldn't have a problem with you! And the counsel loved you, all pretty and prefect coming back from the war! Malacore V should have been your grave!

Atton: What, couldn't think of anything original so you took a line right from the script? Wow Atris I knew you were low but not that low.

Mical: Oh shut up Atton you always think you're so much better than everyone else.

Atton: And _you_ think Lena likes you more!

Mical: Yes I do so stay out of it!

Lena: Can I say something?

Atton: (completely ignoring Lena) Listen prince charming I saw her first!

Mical: Well I approached her first!

Lena: Can you guys hear me at all!

Atton: She knew you were a loser from the moment she saw you!

Mical: Well why don't we just ask her!

Atton: Fine!

Mical: Fine!

Simultaneously both Atton and Mical turn and face Lena.

Mical: Lena which one of us do you like better, me or Atton!

Lena: I…I could never chose between you two…I like you both.

Atton and Mical both gasp.

Atton: You won't chose…

Mical: …between the two of us?

Kreia: (points a finger at Lena) Apathy is death!

Atton, Mical, and Kreia advance toward a frightened Lena. Mira stands up and dumps a bucket of water on the three.

Mira: (points at Atton and Mical) you two sit down! (Points at Kreia) you, stop quoting the scrip!

Kreia: I'm melting, I'm melting!

Mira: Get over it!

Sion: Here master, here's a towel.

Kreia: Thank you.

Sion: Can I become your apprentice now?

Kreia: No.

Therapist: Well would anyone else like to go next?

HK-47: Start forward complaint: I am annoyed by the fact that even though master killed countless meatbags during the Mandalorian Wars, she is also constantly criticizing me about my trigger happy killing techniques. What a hypocrite!

Lena: HK I regret every life I took during those wars. And the reason I don't let you kill everything you see is because there would be nothing left alive in the universe!

HK-47: Defensive smart-ass comment: then maybe you should not have gotten an assassin droid master.

Lena: I didn't buy you, you came with the ship! In fact why don't you go back to the ship!

HK-47: But master!

Lena: Now!

Lena stands up and points to the door. HK-47 sulks away (if droids can sulk).

Bao Dur: I think you were too hard on him.

Lena: You think so? I'll buy him a new assault blaster on our next trip to Telos, that'll cheer him up.

Silence fills the room.

Therapist: Would anyone else like to go?

Bao Dur: Call me crazy but I've been noticing this for a while now. Does anyone get the felling the Kreia is evil?

Atton: Yeah I kinda know what you mean.

Visas: Now that you mention it…

Everyone's eyes turn to Kreia who is nervously fidgeting.

Kreia: Come on guys…I'm not evil. I'm just using all of you in my plot to destroy the Jedi forever…oops.

Everyone raises an eyebrow.

Kreia: Did I say that…I meant my plot to bring joy and happiness and bloodshed to the galaxy.

The eyebrows go higher.

Kreia: Did I say bloodshed I meant…I meant…come on guys I'm not evil.

Mira: All those in favor of getting Kreia outa' here say "I".

Everyone: I.

Lena: Sorry Kreia looks like you've been voted off the ship.

Kreia: Forget it! No one needs you any way! Come on Sion we're going to Malacore. Atris you come too, I still have to convince you to fall to the dark side.

The three walk out the door.

Lena: Great, she's going to go threaten to kill herself so that I have to go to Malacore to face not only the horrors of my past but an entire academy of sith assassins, then I have to kill Sion, and finally Kreia herself, then I have to set off the Mass Shadow Generator and miraculously escape the destruction of the planet, but before all of that I will have to go to Telos to kill Atris because Kreia will have made her fall to the dark side! (Exhales and inhales several times) I guess I'll be getting HK his blaster sooner than I thought.

Everyone stares at Lena, mouths hanging open.

Lena: What?

Visas: Well until that time there's only one thing that we can do. Who wants some Mongolian BBQ? I know a good restaurant down the street.

Everyone murmurs in agreement and walks out of the exit. Therapist is left sitting on the floor all alone.

Several minutes pass.

Therapist: I'm getting too old for this.

**The End!**

Muahahaha! Or is it?

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R&R please! 


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